a simple moment of pure terror
why is it that when a spider appears, we have this simple moment of pure terror? we know we can easily squash the spider. we know it is probably more scared of us than we are of them. probably. then, when you need to decide how you plan to dispatch said arachnid, depending on where you are, when it occurs, and how big the spider is, may prove to be a more difficult problem than one would think. if it is late at night, and you are in your jammies, and you happen to be on your way to or from somewhere, you may not be prepared to handle the spider. no shirt. no shoes. most people aren't just going to reach out and touch the spider with a bare hand or foot. you now have to go and find a killing apparatus. a shoe? a tissue? maybe a book that happens to be handy. if you are really, really lucky, or just kinda morbid, you'll encounter the spider close to the bathroom. not while using the bathroom. it tends to be where we are at our most vulnerable. (as we should all know by now) on a side note: why aren't bathrooms more secure? maybe panic rooms should be built around the bathroom. maybe....but, if the stars are smiling on you, you will find the most deadliest form of killing bugs, and maybe, funnest....hair spray, a lighter, and the will to make open flame inside the house, close at hand. any one of these items can kill a bug. but who just wants to spray a bug and wait for it freeze. and who really wants to try and burn a bug and put your hand so close to the bug. it gets tricky. and if it's a spider. it totally leaves the hand exposed to retaliation from the spider. but the three of them together is by far the finest spider eliminator one could possibly assemble. as this is a prefer ed method of dispatch because of it's intensity, it doubles nicely as being a messenger. delivering a message of death to all other spiders, ants, grasshoppers, moths, chiuauas. whatever. now, decisions need to be made! action needs to be taken! you just can't keep on living in this house! you don't pay rent! you are not contributing! you gotta go spider! .......if you encounter the spider close to furniture, you always run the risk of loosing the spider under,around or behind the obstacle. this always ups the anti, as you may only have on chance to kill. just like if you find the beast in the corner. say, between two wall, the wall and floor,wall and ceiling. there it is. sitting there. waiting. you've got your shoe, poised, ready. your heart is beating, adrenaline flowing....you swing out...and miss. oh man... what beautiful terror flows through your arm and back into your heart as you realize that...you...just...missed! now for a man, 'missing', is not an option. if you are a real man, you don't miss. damn, what a pussy. can't even kill a spider. damn hopefully you can recover from your shame fast enough to get in that second or third or fourth chance. they may squash themselves into the corner and you can't really get to them. .this is why the flame thrower is the finest killer on the open market for killing bugs. if i miss.... if i miss.... is it going to jump back at me and get me? sink its venomous fangs into my skin causing some sort of horrific flesh eating virus bacteria in which i'll have to be rushed to the hospital so they can cut the wound open and burn this horrible predicament straight out with the strongest acid known to mankind? does he have friend? family? we know they multiply by the murder! if they do have friends and family, they are most definitely going to mass an attack. where and when are totally up in the air. and if there is one thing that the t.v. has taught me, is never trust a spider! and get yourselves some hairspray, and a lighter. and by god, get yourselves that desire for open flame in doors!
